FEELING SLEEP DEPRIVED SINCE THE BABY CAME?

Don't underestimate how much sleep you need. Having a baby is different than when you were out partying pulling all-nighters and going to raves. Even the last stages of pregnancy often lead to insomnia. Still, no one is ever prepared for how deeply tiring it is to be a new mother. Of all of the adjustments that are required of new parents, sleep deprivation is the ultimate killer.

For the first few weeks after bringing the new baby home, energy reserves and adrenaline can protect from the full effects of sleep deprivation. You may not be sleeping for more than two hours at a stretch but we are so busy getting to know this new little human and so concerned that something terrible might happen to it when we're sleeping anyway that we don't' mind not getting sleep. Then, as the baby approaches her first-month birthday, and you have been deserted by your mother and your significant other, it occurs to you that this lack of sleep thing may not be ending any time soon. A sense of panic starts climbing up your spine and over the top of your skull and you start to panic. Relax and breathe. Like I mentioned in other writings, when you can call in a favor for a baby sitter even for a few hours, take a nap. Don't run errands or clean the house. You need to sleep. And, don't panic. The baby's sleep paterns will change, often dramatically in a little while and it will get easier. The best thing to do is erase from your mind all of the expectations about how babies are 'supposed' to sleep because each baby has its own unique style and even more important, because there will be many things that happen in her early life that will affect her sleep patterns. Getting your child to learn to sleep through the night at three months has no effect on how she will be sleeping nine months from now when she's walking and finds her crib more like a holding pen.

So how much sleep do you need? It turns out that we really do need about eight hours of sleep a night just like you've always been taught. If you are sick, under unusual stress or recovering from injury or surgery you may need even more sleep. Brand new mothers are almost always a little sick, they are definitely stressed out and recovering from anything from a C-section and they are lucky if they get two stretches of two hours of sleep. Also, studies indicate that you need to get eight consecutive hours of sleep a day, not a one-hour catnap every three hours. We depend more than you now on going to bed at night and getting out of bed in the morning to offer structure to our lives. Even the simplest things become mysterious and confusing when you lose that daily punctuation.

We are really so unprepared fro the chaos that a baby brings that we react as though something has gone terribly wrong. If we are not sleeping, if we can't seem to get a shower in, if we feel crank and overwhelmed, somebody must have done this to us. Our plan for motherhood was a graceful transition in which we redirected our organizational and management skills from our jobs outside the home to the relatively simple tasks of taking care of a baby inside the home. In our minds it did not include feeling out of control, unprepared and overwhelmed. No one ever really explained to us that motherhood is like a cruel race. There is no start and no finish, you just run in circles.

The truth is, the birth of a baby is supposed to blow your schedule to pieces, even if it nearly kills you and your significant other. This si nature's way of making sure that we get our new priorities straight. The three most important things are the baby's health, the baby's comfort and the baby's parents' survival. lol Hang in there. I know you're tired and seems like you won't through this but you will. you may want to also consider investing in an over-sized bean bag chair, no one can resist how relaxing they are! Now go take a nap! Sweet dreams!

THE MYTHS AND TRUTHS OF POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

Nearly every woman who gives birth to a baby (and even many who become mothers by adoption) gets some form of postpartum depression. There are three types of new mothers. There is the type who gives birth and resume their lives with confidence, clear thinking and enthusiasm. The kind who gives birth and wishes that a fairy godmother would make the baby disappear and restore them to their former life and then there's the rest of us.

The first group of new mothers, the ones that breeze through like nothing happen are either incredibly lucky or incredibly unobservant. The second and third group really can be grouped together as one, just at different levels. Some women don't notice their symptoms of postpartum depression until their baby's first birthday. I think it is that we just start factoring in our altered states and feelings as normal. Postpartum depression is a lot like being drunk....looking back, there can be blackouts. Postpartum depression is like PMS, just on a grander scale. Friends might suggest that your hormones are toying with you, but you feel persecuted and misunderstood by your friends, not betrayed by your estrogen levels. I don't know if we have such a hard time diagnosing this completely normal condition because we don't want to see it or because we can't see it. So many new mothers are completely unprepared for any feelings other than happiness after the birth of their baby. Everybody is so full of congratulations, they expect you to glow with maternal satisfaction, and, truthfully, they don't really want you to tell them otherwise. Most women would rather sleep than talk to anyone and not tell anyone that they cry several times a day or that they secretly resent the toll the baby is taking on them. Heaven forbid a new mother should speak the truth about how she is, or is not adjusting. There are several reasons why it remains one of the womanhood's deepest, darkest secrets:

The Shame of it all

First, there is a lot of shame attached to feeling less than perpetually elated by becoming a mommy. Mention postpartum depression and the first thing people think about is a woman who doesn't want or love her baby. People unfamiliar with this condition usually fail to understand that loving your baby and loathing your life can be done simultaneously by new moms. Ultimately, not only are we ashamed to talk to other people about our feelings, we are also ashamed to think about them. Don't think for a minute that husbands, mothers or mothers-in-law are any more enlightened about postpartum depression than the rest of society. Unfortunately, not talking about how we feel makes most of us feel worse. It would be such a relief to purge ourselves of our less acceptable thoughts because at least 50 percent of them would disappear into the ozone as soon as they were uttered. About half of our negative thoughts are just that, thoughts. They are not opinions or beliefs. But they get scary when we hold them inside of us for too long because then we can't tell the difference between what we really feel and what we can imagine feeling. I am not saying that all mothers feel miserable, depressed and disappointed after giving birth but it is common for a bit of 'down' feelings and it is common that we feel that it is unacceptable to talk about it with anyone for fear of being judged.

The fear of it all

Another reason that so many of us fail to recognize postpartum depression in ourselves is that we are afraid of it. We are afraid that if we have it, our behavior is completely out of our control. In our own hysterical way we think postpartum depression is a sin. Since new mothers need to feel in control of the universe in order to protect their fragile babies, the worry that we, ourselves, may be the one uncontrollable factor freaks us out. Don't be freaked out and calm down. Your baby is absolutely safe in your loving care. You will devote your life to ensuring his happiness and well-being. Postpartum depression is actually a piece of cake for the babies, but it can really be tough on the mommy. Just remember, if you are caring for your baby, loving him and giving him attention, he will probably escape unaffected by your guilt about eventually going back to work or how resentful you are that you haven't slept in a lying down position in more than three weeks. In other words, relax as you go through your changes. You'll soon become the person you recognize as you and the baby won't have noticed a thing.

One of the most striking symptoms of postpartum depression is an utter lack of optimism. Some new mothers just can't imagine any time in the future when they will not be tired, or sad, or forgetful or anxious. The demands of caring for a child, usually alone in our society are so repetitive and unrelenting that we measure our days in diapers changed and feedings. Sure, the books say you will soon recognize a hungry cry from a bored or hurt cry and you probably will, eventually. In the meantime every cry gets your blood pressure into the triple digits and your adrenaline pumping like I don't even know what. Then there's the baby's first illness; projectile vomiting alone has been known to make a mother lose her mind for good. There IS an end to this tunnel. Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest bogeymen in a mommy's life. We have very little control over the baby's growth, however, and many aspects of postpartum depression actually have more to do with YOUR growth so let's move on and give your growth a jump start. A good place to begin is by clearing all the misconceptions about postpartum depression out of the way. There are five myths about this.

MYTH 1: Normal postpartum depression, also known as the baby blues, occurs three or four days after giving birth and is usually little more than a one-day unexplained crying jag. The truth about this? Sure you may get weepy shortly after giving birth since that is when the most dramatic change in hormone levels occurs, but that is NOT postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is when you haven't slept in two months, your baby is going through a growth spurt and you worry that you're not making enough milk, you are not eating much of anything with nutrients, you are still overweight and then the whole family comes down with the flu.

MYTH 2: Postpartum depression can be prevented by keeping a good and positive attitude during pregnancy. Truth? Yeah right. You can try and try all through pregnancy and maternity to be as positive as can possibly be but you can still feel the effects of postpartum depression, except now you can add disappointment and self-doubt to the experience. Pregnancy and motherhood are incredible physical and emotional upheavals, no matter how thrilled you are to become a mother. Your marriage may be changing, your looks definitely are and if you think that your job is to stay grateful, happy and content through the water retention the vulnerability, the fear and the invasion of the body snatcher, it's no wonder you end up depressed.

MYTH 3: Postpartum depression is a figment of a woman's imagination; there are no medical justifications for it. Oh really? They used to say this about PMS and cramps, too. I guess it took more women insisting that people without uteruses might not know what they were talking about in this area. As a matter of fact, all of pregnancy and new motherhood are hugely affected by our biology. As soon as we become pregnant, our hormones combine with our genetic programming to make us hopelessly devoted and fiercely protective of this new little life. Then, when the baby is born, add fatigue and inexperience to the equation and everything just multiplied.

MYTH 4: Postpartum depression is just that; feeling depressed after having a baby. ha ha. That's a very narrow view of the landscape. Postpartum depression is a catch-all phrase for all sorts of emotions and behaviors that are new and unusual or more intense than before you had a baby.

MYTH 5: Once you get postpartum depression, there is nothing you can do about it except wait it out. Nope. If you feel like you are having trouble coping with motherhood, the first and simplest thing you can do for yourself is ASK FOR HELP. Do not feel ashamed about needing i; you weren't intended to do this alone. Humans are a tribal breed, and nature never intended for you and your baby to survive without the assistance of the other women in your tribe. Whatever you do, do not take a passive approach to your unhappiness and do not pretend it doesn't exist. There are so many thing you can do to get back on track; it may be as simple as getting more sleep or exercising, it might be so stubborn as to require medication, but there is help out there. If you think that you and your baby are supposed to get through this first year isolated from the rest of the world, it's no wonder you're crazy.

THE HOSPITAL STAY AFTER THE BABY IS BORN

So, you've survived the hospital admittance and you have gotten the delivery out of the way. Now you get to enjoy your wonderful stay in the hospital after the baby is born. Most hospitals now allow you to keep your baby with you in your room at all times if you're capable of caring for him or her. Meaning, as long as you are not feverish or high on painkillers. haha. Give yourself the option of keeping the baby with you or letting the nursery staff care for them while you attend to a quick bath or sleeping for a 45 minute nap. One of the most common fears of new mommies is about turning their babies over to the care of the nursery, in fear that the nurses ond duty secretly go against your insistence on breast-feeding and will disregard all orders and sneak some formula into the little one when the viewing room shades are drawn. It does happen I've been told but not all of the time. Some times babies are just given sterilized water from a bottle when they seem to need help quieting down because they understand the last thing they need is a baby not hungry when the mother is trying to get the hang of the whole nursing thing.

A good justification for rooming in is to get to know your baby and to practice your mothering skills with the safety of a medical setting. This is a very wise and pragmatic choice, especially if you allow yourself to send the baby back to the nursery fro a few hours if the responsibility is still too much for you. Just watching your baby sleep is a miracle, perfect and dumbfounding. You can watch her breathe or flutter her eyelashes with fascination. And don't forget the smell! The smell of a newborn is the most perfect smell that you can never get enough of. It is intoxicating.

Like a good hotel or a cruise, your hospital will probably offer other services or activities to make your stay more fulfilling. As soon as you are coherent, ask a nurse whether they offer any infant care classes and if they do, limp yourself down to one. At this point you probably don't even know what questions to ask but the professionals what answers to give you even if you don't know you need them. If daddy can come too, better yet still, especially if he is going to be there to carry out his weight in this parenting thing.

If you intend to breast-feed your baby, you might find the assistance of a Lactation Specialist very valuable. Don't be surprised if nursing is much more difficult than you imagined it would be. It can be as frustrating as learning how to ride a bike and much more painful. Thank goodness there are specialists that can help you. These people will also give you their number to call after you've gone home because some of the most exciting breast-feeding emergencies occur long after you've checked out of the hospital.

Another hospital service that you may enjoy is their photographer who takes those adorable newborn photos. They are wonderful to have because your newborn will never look that way again. The pointy head, the splotchy skin and swollen eyes will disappear. If you choose to not use this service that's okay too. Your newborn will much more adorable in a week! Before you leave the hospital be sure to ask them if they have a 'hot line' that you can call if you have questions or concerns after you get home. Most hospitals and birthing centers have advisers taking phone calls 24 hours a day to help new parents. Not every 'emergency' requires a trip to the pediatrician. Sometimes reassurance and a bit of advice is all you really need.

There is no way to predict how you will feel about having visitors after the baby is born. Some love having people come by and other women feel anxious, overwhelmed or disappointed about their birthing experience. The last thing they want at this moment is to have to put on a party face and amuse guests. There's a lot of expectation leading up to delivery and when it's over some women just feel exhausted. THIS IS YOUR TIME! IF YOU DON'T WANT VISITORS, DON'T ACCEPT THEM! They will get over it.

Before you check out, take some time to ask someone with authority which 'stuff' you are allowed to take home with you. Be assure that all the toiletries, will be billed to you whether you use them or not, so take them. Some of the most immediately valuable supplies that hospitals often provide a donut pillow to sit on, throw that sucker right into the suitcase without even asking permission (it's not the greatest thing to go and buy at the drugstore). Also ask if you can take home the little T-shirt and blanket that he wore in the hospital because they make good keepsakes. Diaper bags, etc are also common giveaways. The most important thing to take home with you, besides the baby is the nasal aspirator. That's the blue little rubber bulb that you use to suck mucous out of the baby's nose. It's a wonderful little thing since the baby can't blow his nose or sniff yet. You can buy one at the drugstore but the hospital one is usually better. You also may want to stock up on the obstetrical pads that nurseries use to clean the baby during a diaper change. You may or may not know that you don't use diaper wipes on newborns because the chemicals are too irritating to their skin. a clean washcloth that has been dipped in tepid water works great too. If your baby is a boy and has been circumcised, you will also need a good supply of gauze squares to protect him until he heals. You can easily get these at the drugstore but sometimes with a new baby it's tough to get to the store and if you didn't think of this before hand...it's just some thing you need.

There's also, of course a ton of paperwork to take care of before your bundle of joy can enter the real world. The delivery doctor will begin the process of registering your tiny human when he fills out the certificate of live birth. Then, later, when you are in your room, several papers will be given to you to fill out. Some of this can be taken home to do so if you want, just ask someone which papers NEED to be filled out while you're there. Don't forget you also need to get a Social Security number for your baby. Instead of going to the nearest federal building, sometimes the nurse can give you the forms you need. Next stop...home!

IN THE HOSPITAL

Hospitals are scary and by far the least favorite place of most people....unless you're a doctor, nurse or in the field. There are endless hospital procedures and rules that to us seem ridiculous but to those enforcing those rules aren't silly at all. Certain people handle certain things. Food people handle food, Laundry people handle nightgowns and housekeeping handles vacuuming at the one time you find to sleep. Please don't ask the anyone else to bring you food or ice chips besides the designated person. It just wont make it to your mouth and you'll just frustrate yourself by having to ask again. The nurses are the backbone of the hospital. They are wonderful angels that seem to have a halo glowing around their heads as they help you walk to the bathroom, they know where to put ice packs and give you a run down of what you need to do to get you through the first two days as a mother. If you need to vent and feel the need to be bitchy, take it out on anyone except the nurses. You need them! The baby starts to cry, ring for a nurse. Your stitches hurt too much to bend over the isolate to change the baby's diaper? A nurse can diaper a squirming baby in a blink of an eye. Can't get the baby to feed off both breasts instead of just one? Call the Lactation Specialist. They'll fix it. (You may not like it, but they'll fix it). In desperate need of fresh ice for that pack you're keeping between your legs to relieve the soreness and swelling from all that stretching and stitching? Politely ask the nurse...they understand and they will help.

An important thing to do no matter how busy you are or how silly it seems to you is sign up for the tour of the maternity ward. This tour will give you the important knowledge of how to enter the hospital when you are laboring and how to proceed directly to the relative calm of the labor and delivery ward from the emergency room. And please, make sure all your paperwork has been done in advance. Let me repeat, MAKE SURE YOUR PAPERWORK IS DONE IN ADVANCE! Your obstetrician's office will probably give you a simple little pre-admission form sometime in your second trimester. They will then forward it to the hospital for you or tell you how to send it in yourself. It also wouldn't hurt to call the hospital about a week after submitting this form to make sure they received it and ask if they need any additional information.

After check-in there are generally two paths into a delivery room. The one you take is largely determined by whether your doctor has admitted you into labor room after examining you in his or her office or if you have come directly to the hospital without first being examined by your O.B. If you haven't been examined prior sometimes you will be examined in a holding area called triage. If your labor looks like it is progressing toward a dilated cervix, you will be awarded a labor room. It it is questionable or if your cervix is still tightly closed you might be sent home for a few hours to see if anything develops.

Your labor room also may be decided by your insurance, timing and who knows what other deciding factors. You may be in a quiet room all alone without even a TV after or you could be a nicely remodeled facility with windows, a TV, a telephone and even a chair for your guest. If you hae a scheduled C-section or any complication then it's right to a surgical suite for you.

One major difference between delivering vaginally and by C-section is that, since the C-section is a major surgery, you will need tos pend some time in a recovery room where surgical nurses can monitor your blood pressure and other vital signs. After a couple hours you will be moved again and this is where you get your room on the maternity ward where you will get to know your baby and recover for a couple of days before entering the real world. Even if you delivered vaginally and without incident in a birthing room, you'll be moved shortly after.

Maternity wards are called the happiest place on earth. There's nothing but beautiful babies lined up in plastic bassinet like beds and wrapped up tight. There may be a more traffic on this ward than you would normally like but everyone is happy and loving and don't' be surprised at the grand parents that will stop to see your baby as well as every other little miracle. When you are feeling up to it, take a stroll down to the nursery windows where they are lined up peering at the babies and you'll practically get a standing ovation as you point your little angel out in the crowd. This is a rare moment in motherhood where everything is perfect and sweet.

There are private and semiprivate rooms for new mommies. If you think you're going to do a lot of random entertaining keep in mind that privacy is scarce even in a private room. Someone can come in at any time to check your pads and stitches no matter what you're doing. There are a few things you can bring with you that may make you feel more at home like a special pillow that doesn't smell like hospital disinfectant, a blanket can be helpful too. A bathrobe and some slippers are essential. Bottled water is another luxury you may want to bring a long. The water they leave in those little pitchers taste just like the plastic it is sitting in. You will need a lot of water, especially if you're breast feeding so ask someone to pick you up a six pack. Another essential...your hairdryer. Presentable, dried hair just makes you feel refreshed and more important. This has nothing to do with taking a million photos in the next 24 hours. We all know you just feel better if you can dry your hair rather than leave it wet or dry it with some garbage dryer that barely blows any air. Lip balm is the last essential ingredient to your hospital stay. You will get chapped lips but remember to bring the balm that doesn't smell all juicy and rosy. Babies are sensitive to smells. Do not bring candles, jewelry, toiletries in glass containers or your favorite pair of jeans (sorry, they will not fit yet!).

In most cases even after a C-section you will have some time right after birth to count your baby's fingers and toes and introduce yourself. the delivery room nurse will usually weight and measure the baby in your presence, often while your doctor is doing any necessary repair work on you. Then, the baby disappears. The daddy usually goes to the nursery, the obstetrician goes home to sleep and the nurse moves on to to see other laboring woman. The primary function of the nursing staff is to observe he baby for the first few hours after this or her birth. Statistically, the most serious health problems that are not identified immediately after delivery will become apparent within the first twenty four hours of life. The baby will be given a bath and then given the standard issue uniform of newborns and then swaddled in a blanket. They will also be given antibiotic drops in their eyes. This is done to kill any stray bacteria that the baby may have picked up as he exited your body. They also receive identification bands in the nursery. After all this, the baby will be put into a clear sided plastic bassinet and parked alongside all the other new babies. Tomorrow we'll continue and talk more about your room and board stay in your luxury sweet at the hospital.