FEELING SLEEP DEPRIVED SINCE THE BABY CAME?

Don't underestimate how much sleep you need. Having a baby is different than when you were out partying pulling all-nighters and going to raves. Even the last stages of pregnancy often lead to insomnia. Still, no one is ever prepared for how deeply tiring it is to be a new mother. Of all of the adjustments that are required of new parents, sleep deprivation is the ultimate killer.

For the first few weeks after bringing the new baby home, energy reserves and adrenaline can protect from the full effects of sleep deprivation. You may not be sleeping for more than two hours at a stretch but we are so busy getting to know this new little human and so concerned that something terrible might happen to it when we're sleeping anyway that we don't' mind not getting sleep. Then, as the baby approaches her first-month birthday, and you have been deserted by your mother and your significant other, it occurs to you that this lack of sleep thing may not be ending any time soon. A sense of panic starts climbing up your spine and over the top of your skull and you start to panic. Relax and breathe. Like I mentioned in other writings, when you can call in a favor for a baby sitter even for a few hours, take a nap. Don't run errands or clean the house. You need to sleep. And, don't panic. The baby's sleep paterns will change, often dramatically in a little while and it will get easier. The best thing to do is erase from your mind all of the expectations about how babies are 'supposed' to sleep because each baby has its own unique style and even more important, because there will be many things that happen in her early life that will affect her sleep patterns. Getting your child to learn to sleep through the night at three months has no effect on how she will be sleeping nine months from now when she's walking and finds her crib more like a holding pen.

So how much sleep do you need? It turns out that we really do need about eight hours of sleep a night just like you've always been taught. If you are sick, under unusual stress or recovering from injury or surgery you may need even more sleep. Brand new mothers are almost always a little sick, they are definitely stressed out and recovering from anything from a C-section and they are lucky if they get two stretches of two hours of sleep. Also, studies indicate that you need to get eight consecutive hours of sleep a day, not a one-hour catnap every three hours. We depend more than you now on going to bed at night and getting out of bed in the morning to offer structure to our lives. Even the simplest things become mysterious and confusing when you lose that daily punctuation.

We are really so unprepared fro the chaos that a baby brings that we react as though something has gone terribly wrong. If we are not sleeping, if we can't seem to get a shower in, if we feel crank and overwhelmed, somebody must have done this to us. Our plan for motherhood was a graceful transition in which we redirected our organizational and management skills from our jobs outside the home to the relatively simple tasks of taking care of a baby inside the home. In our minds it did not include feeling out of control, unprepared and overwhelmed. No one ever really explained to us that motherhood is like a cruel race. There is no start and no finish, you just run in circles.

The truth is, the birth of a baby is supposed to blow your schedule to pieces, even if it nearly kills you and your significant other. This si nature's way of making sure that we get our new priorities straight. The three most important things are the baby's health, the baby's comfort and the baby's parents' survival. lol Hang in there. I know you're tired and seems like you won't through this but you will. you may want to also consider investing in an over-sized bean bag chair, no one can resist how relaxing they are! Now go take a nap! Sweet dreams!

YOU'VE HAD A BABY...GET READY FOR IN-LAWS

So, you've survived through childbirth (it was touchy for awhile there..didn't know if you were going to make it or not) and you've brought your little perfect, wonderful smelling bundle of joy home. Having a baby not only expands your family by one, it also stretches it out to include a lot of people who up until now had marginal influence before. Now you get to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins more involved in your life. Your baby creates a biological relationship between people who might have had only a passing acquaintance until now...like you're parents and your husband's (or boyfriend, fiance, or invisible body, or whatever the case may be)parents. Your brother-in-law and his wife, whom you never much cared for, are now critically important to you as your baby's uncle and aunt. You want the baby to know then, to be friends with their children and to feel loved and protected by them. And, of course they all have their two cents to add at any given time about how your parenting affect THEM.

Now you're officially part of their 'tribe' since you birthed one of their kin so more attention is paid to you. You are taken more seriously as a member of your significant other's family and viewed with more respect by members of your own. The part of belonging to the family created by your child is great, however, some of the other parts can be more problematic. All of a sudden, everyone seems to care where the three of you are planning to have Thanksgiving dinner or which grandmother you plan to honor with your time on Mother's Day. There will be times when you will swear that it isn't the pleasure of your company they seek but rather only your baby's. This is probably more fact than an illusion.

My advice, stand up for yourself and your baby from the start. There is no point in keeping in side what you want. You are not the only one that loves this baby and is only fair to share however, it is still YOUR baby. Traditions are great and everyone should have a chance to make them so of course you want to make grandparent's happy visiting on certain holidays etc, but you still want to create your OWN traditions.

A great reward is the love of grandparents. They play a huge role in your child's life just as they played in your own. Grandparents love your babies in a free and relaxed way that is impossible for us parents and they love them whether they're not fond of you at all. They also offer a sense of belonging and heritage to children and they are more than wiling to tell embarrassing stories about you to bond with your child so watch out. don't forget, whether it's your parents or your In-laws, grandparents are the only people who will listen to your endless baby stories because they are interested , not just polite and they may even baby-sit now and then....which you WILL need.

This love fest from them doesn't come in a 'baggage-free' package though. These relatives of yours are now concerned with what she eats, where she sleeps, when she's potty trained and how you mother her. They may not be trying to intrude, but all of them will at some point seem to make little passive-aggressive statements that may want you to fun into oncoming traffic. We already know how fragile a new mother's confidence is and there are few things that can threaten it more than the judgment of her own mother-in-law. Keep in mind she really does have the baby's interest at heart but it is essentially YOUR baby so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Of course try to count to at least 20 before opening your mouth but if you do it from the beginning than you won't risk bottling it up inside and all of a sudden one day snapping with your head spinning in circles like something that came out of the Exorcist. Also, if you gently lay your foot down from the beginning on decisions than she may be less likely to offer her two cents more than needed. Just remember, these people love your baby and I'm sure they are not trying to discount you as a mother, they just all want what's best even if it's 10 different things.

SHORT TERM CHANGES AFTER CHILDBIRTH

The arrival of a first baby changes relationships into families. Yes, I am aware that many couples without children consider themselves families and I mean no disrespect to them and I am aware that a high percentage of mothers are not in a relationship at the time of starting their family either. I am speaking generically. For most people, the birth of their baby is the event that moves them into a full-tilt 'grown up' mode. They suddenly care more about the baby's welfare than their own, they feel responsible for the baby's physical, educational and moral development.

It's astonishing to realize that through your child, you and your mate (if you have one) are now related. Even though the relationship is not biological, it is deep and powerful in the way it unifies two people in the protection and love of the third, and one hopes brings a new level of commitment. People say that after having children you can almost have a new respect for the Mafia. You can respect and admire any group that says, "You hurt my family, you hurt me!" because that's how you feel about your children. Mothers are completely capable of physical violence where their kids are concerned and won't think twice about it. It's tribal and primitive and wonderful to feel so connected tos something bigger than just you alone. It can also be frightening, frustrating ad fatiguing, so don't be surprised if your transformation from relationship to family doesn't take place smoothly and instantly.

Change of any kind is upsetting to most people, and the changes you undergo during pregnancy and parenthood are nothing if not startling. All you have to do is look at a picture pre-childbirth to see the biggest change. If you think that having a baby doesn't change your relationship, you're delusional.

THE MAGIC SPELL-when a couple have gone through a delivery together, the ideal result, besides having a perfect baby is a deeper appreciation of the parents for each other. It doesn't always happen and you shouldn't think you've been seriously gypped if you don't think you felt it, but it goes something like this: the mother is in love with and grateful to everyone in the delivery room who didn't let her die when she was certain she was going to and for presenting her with the most precious baby in creating. If morphine was involved, that blanket of love will extend to all of humanity, until of course, the medication starts wearing off. If Daddy was particularly compassionate during that time, or if she is as sentimental as most new mothers I know the she will feel great love for him at that very moment. The father, in return is usually thunderstruck by having seen his wife go to battle against unseen demons and emerge with his precious baby. The euphoria doesn't last forever, this is where I suggest you remember to ask for an expensive gift or favor you've been wanting for awhile while he's still foggy. While you're in the hospital you may feel like you have left the planet temporarily and are in your own little world By the time you leave the hospital, charged with the task of raising this tiny baby, fear and panic will have broken the magic spell by now.

MUTUAL MISTRUST-at some point soon after you have brought your new baby home, t will occur to you that maybe, just maybe, your mate isn't up to the job of parenting your child. Don't think that your mate doesn't have worries of his own. He is bound to wonder how a woman who loses her purse seven times a day can keep track of his child. He will wonder how a woman who hates to cook can provide for an infant. And, he may feel that given your present fragile emotional state, you will not be able to deal with any emergency involving the baby. You must keep two things in mind when you're having these doubtful thoughts. First, they almost always stem from your own gigantic self-doubt. new moms can be so intimidated by our awesome responsibilities that we want to know that someone bigger, smarter, calmer and better than us is ready if we drop the ball. The logical person, next to Superman is our mate. Remember, you are up to the job! You will make it up as you go along just as every other mother has been doing. The second thing to remember is that most of these doubts will fade with the passage of time, partly because you both will calm down a lot over the next year.

BABY OBSESSION-mothers and fathers are known to succumb to the charms of their baby, often to the exclusion of everyone else. Mothers are most susceptible to this private love affair, probably because of all sorts of biological reasons but fathers too can fall in love head over heals. In the old days, before the baby was born, the love moved in a straight line between you and your mate, now the relationship is triangular. The baby takes ups o much of our emotional time and attention that often the only way we express our love for each other is as parents. You know distinctions are getting murky when you and your husband start calling each other 'mommy' and 'daddy'.

TRAPPED-having a baby raises the stakes in the relationship game. We tend to stay longer and try harder to work troubles out to provide a stable family for our baby. Let's face it: even though we all get married or have some kind of commitment at sometime, with the intention of it lasting forever, statistics show that lots of us change our minds later on. While it is always painful when a relationship goes sour, we all know that we do have that escape hatch of leaving. That hatch get much tinier and harder to open when a baby is born into you relationship. No matter what happens in your love life, with your mate, you will always be connected by this child that you share.